You Won't 'Hate' Your Partner After You Have Kids
Updated: Nov 8, 2019
It seems to be pretty common for people to tell expectant or new moms that they'll start 'hating their husbands/partners' once they have kids.
Why? For various reasons, number one being that they have 'useless nipples' and get to sleep through most night feeds.
How many shows or movies have you watched where it's just the culture for a woman to complain about their partner? How they handled bed time, how they let the kids act, how they sleep through the nightly shenanigans. On top of that- how often do we see women on tv complaining about how their husbands want sex (how dare they want intimacy)? Or husbands complaining that they don't ever have sex once they have kids?
It would seem that we are made to believe it is just the norm for our relationships to take a total 180 once we have babies. Suddenly we are just parents, no longer smitten by each other, just team mates getting through this journey of parent hood.
Well, let me let you in on a little secret.
It's all crap.
Yes, absolutely your relationship will change. It will change in so many ways, you will become two completely new people to each other. You will have to navigate the waters of parenthood together, and it will be hard. You'll probably bicker or fight more than you ever did thanks to sleep deprivation, or worries about whether you're doing things right. Will there be resentment on mom's part for the fact that dad gets to sleep more? Maybe a little- I can only speak for myself. I absolutely had moments where I sat there nursing our baby, glaring at Jay while he soundly sleeps. However - I also knew that if I needed him, even if it were purely to keep me company while I sat through what felt like the 100th nursing session that night, he'd be there in a snap. It wasn't that he was choosing not to wake up and help, I was choosing not to wake him.
Your relationship will change in that you now see each other in a new light. You get to see your partner become a parent! It will change everything you see and feel about them. In all of the good ways.
When we had our first baby, the first time I watched Jay pick him up, speak softly to him to settle him, and gently change his diaper, I fell in love 1000 times harder than I ever had with him. This man, this man who has gruff, working hands. A carpenter who is a little rough around the edges, he became this soft, gentle handed teddy bear. His heart was on his sleeve as he held his son, his emotions were so raw, something I'd never seen in the five years we had been together. Quite frankly, if I hadn't of had stitches in my vagina and felt like I'd been hit by a truck, I probably would have made fierce love to him right then and there (TMI ? Sorry- just trying to paint the picture of just how amazing those moments are).
So, when I read these jokes about 'hating your hubby' or see these women on tv who constantly seem to be annoyed by them, it bothers me. Are we perfect all of the time? Absolutely not, and believe me, the past five years of parenthood have (and still do and will in the future, I'm sure) tested our relationship like nothing ever has. We've been through immense amounts of turmoil, we've had moments where we've debated calling it quits. But at the end of the day, we come out stronger than ever, and we have parenthood to thank for that. On top of that, as much as we've had our rocky moments, all of the good moments far out weigh all of those. Our memories together and with our children, even the simple ones, they're our glue. When we think things are too hard, we find ourselves reminding each other of how incredible these little people are that we are raising, and how we have faced so much in raising them.
We drive each other nuts sometimes,yes. Most couples do. I have qualities that can irk Jay, just as he has ones that get under my skin. However neither one of us dwell on them, because all of the good we see in each other drowns out any negative. We compliment each other, and in my honest opinion, parenthood has allowed us to do that even more so. In becoming parents we have learned so much about each other, we have learned so much together. And we continue to learn, every single day.
My best piece of advice? Remember you're not just parents. You're partners as well. You were partners before you had children, and love was what brought them into the world. Don't lose sight of that love- better yet, allow it to flourish into so much more when you become parents, and cherish each other's qualities, good and bad.